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Last night at Kirk Night, we began a discussion about the “I” and the “Me.” Our discussion was guided by the final lecture from Jesuit priest and therapist Anthony de Mello, specifically the portion titled Stripping Down to the I. Unbeknownst to me, this lecture is on YouTube, and you can access it by clicking here.
Saying the conversation about the “I” and the “Me” was confusing is a grand understatement. Perhaps it was the short time we gave the topic, or maybe it was the mixed bag of metaphors I offered to clarify the difference. Whatever the reason, we left more confused than curious. My prayer, I hope, is that the Spirit will take the confusion and move us toward curiosity.
Alas, I want to unpack this a little more here on a Thursday.
The purpose of this conversation is to wake up. That’s what most spiritual gurus teach, including Jesus, who often preached that the reign of G*d was not somewhere else but right here, within us and around us. We are, in fact, participating in the reign of G*d whenever we do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with the Holy One.
What are we waking up to? Or what are we waking up from? De Mello says we are to awaken to the delusions in our lives. For instance, how many of us have ever said, “I’ll be happy when ….” But when the condition (the when) comes, we're happy only briefly, then fall back into unhappiness. The first step, therefore, is to realize that we are our own obstacle to happiness. The idea of happiness is all in our heads (“nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”).
For the sake of time, we must define a couple of terms. The first is the “I.” The “I” is the G*d-consciousness within us, the part of us that is untouched and is the True Self. This part of us is hidden and realized in God. De Mello says the "I" is the silent witness, the pure subject that observes without being defined by what it sees. John Philip Newell calls this part the “immortal diamond,” a perennial presence that shines like a diamond within.
What stands in the way of our recognizing the “I” and living from the “I” is our “Me.” The “Me” is the collection of labels, history, self-image, opinions, status, and the psychological conditioning that society builds up. An analogy we used last night is that the “Me” is our social media profiles, the way we present ourselves online, and the algorithms that reinforce our “Me.” De Mello argues that the “Me” constantly seeks approval, praise, and success, and is easily threatened, offended, or anxious because it cares what others think.
Spirituality is waking up to these delusions. Our attachment to the “Me” we created is the source of our suffering. De Mello suggests that awakening requires self-observation. He writes, “Self-observation—watching yourself—is important. It is not the same as self-absorption. Self-absorption is self-preoccupation, where you’re concerned about yourself, worried about yourself. I’m talking about self-observation. What’s that? It means to watch everything in you and around you as far as possible and watch it as if it were happening to someone else.” All we can do is observe. Observe what? Our stories, emotions, reactions, beliefs, thoughts, sights, sounds, feelings, mental images, narratives, etc.
I can’t help but think of this story from Matthew 19. It’s known as “the rich young ruler.” It begins with the rich guy asking Jesus, “Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?” The rest of the pericope goes:
Jesus responds, “If you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.” 18 He said to him, “Which ones?” And Jesus said, “You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not steal. You shall not bear false witness. 19 Honor your father and mother. Also, you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 20 The young man said to him, “I have kept all these;[c] what do I still lack?” 21 Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go, sell your possessions, and give the money[d] to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.” 22 When the young man heard this word, he went away grieving, for he had many possessions.
If I’m not mistaken, the rich man is the only one who leaves Jesus this way.
Life is here. The reign of God is within. Perhaps the rich young man couldn’t find it because of his attachment to his “Me.” Unlearning the “Me” seemed too difficult for him. Or, as de Mello writes, “Eternal life is now. We’re surrounded by it, like fish in the ocean, but we have no notion about it at all” (137).
Awakening to the “I”, perhaps, is what it means to be born again. And again. And again. A working out of our salvation. To be born again doesn’t mean we become someone else, but we become our True Selves – we live from the “I.” Thomas Merton says that to become our True Self, we must integrate the false self. Rather, it must become unimportant.
Last night I said this is the work we are called to do. And someone said, “What’s the work? Tell us what we have to do.” What does Jesus say to do? Repent. Give up our attachments to the “Me” and return to the “I.”
Cool, bro. But let’s get practical.
Okay. Let’s.
Self-observation – what is standing in the way of your “I?” Nicodemus asked the same question, and Jesus replied, “be born from above.” As Saint Paul says, with each new season of life, as we evolve and grow in our faith and spirituality, we work out our salvation by being born of the Spirit, just as the disciples did. Remember how often Jesus would teach a new idea and heal, and the disciples would ask, along with the crowds, “How is he doing these things?” or “Jesus, we don’t get the point of the story you told us.” Eventually, they got it. They let go of their “Me” and lived from the “I.”
One last note on ‘what do we do’ and repentance. Again, I lean into the wisdom of de Mello, who writes, “Repentance would be better defined not by saying ‘O My God, I am sorry for my sins’ but rather by this: ‘O my God, I love you with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul.’” Live with an awareness of our oneness with G*d. We do this in contemplative prayer, warming ourselves in G*d’s love like a cat resting in the little sliver of sun on the couch. We also do it through action. Just as G*d emptied themselves out of love for us, we turn from “dwelling in God” to move out to love our fellow humans.
The Holy One in Three delights in you. What would happen if we accepted this good news? What if we let go of our need to be a certain thing, for whatever reason, and embraced the Love that’s already shining within? Again, I lean into the wisdom of de Mello, “Let the Spirit work. Stop straining your spiritual muscles. Become attuned to your deeper self and let the force of life take over. Let the Holy Spirit take over.”
I hope this helps. If anything, my prayer is that the Spirit guides you down curiosity’s road. That you see the “Me” not as bad, but as something you need not hold tightly to. Be aware. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings, your desires and deepest potentials. Be aware that even now, G*d is drawing all things unto G*d’s self.
Including you – I.
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